*By reading this you understand that I guarantee nothing because I am neither a psychic nor a svengali that can influence any change of the NBA season. Frankly if I get any of these right I will be exceptionally proud of myself, not only that I will be a better predictor of hoops then that so called network ESPNonourcredibility… say it allowed enough times and you will get it. See, wasn’t really that funny now was it, but I got you to waste 3 minutes that you will never-ever get back. Now you didn’t come here to read this blabber, you came here to read a list, so here is your list, enjoy.
1. Allen Iverson will be MVP… After heading east and signing with the Shanxi Zhongyu Brave Dragons of China and teaming up with Starbury and Rashad McCants to create a Big 3 of the CBA and starting the dynasty that will take them to a record 7 straight CBA titles.
2. Mikhail Prokhorov’s connection to organized crime will become apparent when he begins to force those in debt to him to “work” off their services within the Nets organization and Vlade Divac comes back for on last hurrah as center for NJ down the stretch. On a positive note they will draw so many fouls they will hit a winning streak that leads them into the 8th seed in the Eastern Conference
3. Ron Artest has his title, this season he will bring the noise to the Staples Center and he bigins to personally supply Hennessy to the fans at half-time.
4. Delonte West will be the most chanted name in the NBA this season and he won’t even be on a roster. ESPN will drop court-audio to all broadcast Heat games due to what they call “distracting vuvuzelas” and hire THX to mix in background sound. It will be discovered when someone accidentally hits the “Tie-Fighter Fly By” button. (I may actually get this one right.)
5. The countdown to the Summer of Carmelo will never come to fruition because of Utah’s trade deadline day deal will make them the most ridiculously powerful team in the West resulting in Jerry Buss yelling, “no fair.”
6. Joakim Noah and Chris Bosh will finish 1st and 2nd in the new reality contest search for the most handsome NBA bigman. Following the event judge Stevie Wonder will admit that his first choice was Gheorghe Muresan but he was ineligible due to his non-roster status.
7. Sam Cassell will host the event.
8. The Nets will trade for Tony Parker, not for playing talent but for Jay-Z’s record label after his newest album debuts at #1 on the Billboard charts. Shawn Carter will be quoted as saying, “You gotta keep your competition on the payroll.” Unfortunately for the Spurs they get Kanye in the deal.
9. Following a critical failed free throw attempt, teammate Chauncey Billups will tell shooter Sheldon Williams that they would have been better off letting Williams wife take the shot. Williams will have no retort because Billups is right.
10. Tracy McGrady will be so desperate to sign he will partner with Woot!.com to find an employer. Of course they will list his services on Sellout.Woot! and he will just never get the call, even with free shipping.
11. Big Baby Glen Davis wins “So You Think You Can Dance?” and through a suggestion from judge Paula Abdul begins a new endeavour with the Boston Celtics to revamp the dance squad moves. Jim Rome gets mouthy and jealous and challenges Baby to a dance-off.
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